“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
dam girl
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.