date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now