Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
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A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right