@TheGoodGodAbove: Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
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@JohnLyonTweets: [parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
@TheRealHoff10: People keep asking me today "So you have a new boss?" No, I'm still with my wife.
@ShesARealGenius: Lol how "take you out" could mean either we're going on a date or I'm gonna kill you.