Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
dutch is not a serious language