SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
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Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I’ve been drinking.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
guys i’ve cracked the code
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now