Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You Might Also Like
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
if my sleeping schedule was a person
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂