I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what