That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂