Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
A leaf blower, but for people.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.