@Bluestmoon_: Sorry I asked "why?" when you told me your baby's name.
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@JasonLastname: Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person's noticed mine's a calculator.
@yoyoha: Just heard they're investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT'S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
@Reverend_Scott: Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don't they rotate enough while the car is moving? Mechanic: Omg you're right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
@JustDontBugMe: MIL: You're going to give me a heart attack someday! M: Last time I checked you didn't even have a heart.