*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.