Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I saw nothing
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.