Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up