Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My biological clock is wheezing.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
umm…
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high