sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The Others (2001)
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*