Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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How it started How it’s going
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
😩😩😩
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?