Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Yeah. This was me today.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.