I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes