@Parentpains: Sorry I can't attend your Facebook event, I'll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.
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@vikkaroni: Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I'm an alcoholic. Operator: Ma'am, this is AAA. Me: I know. I'm an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
@kelkulus: The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.
@pakalupapito: out of all my body parts, I'm sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.
@CoolCamel69: "we're broke? how is that possible?" (extremely high pitched voice) no idea "did you-" *opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*