@Parentpains: Sorry I can't attend your Facebook event, I'll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.
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@SSDated: This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.
@Cheeseboy22: A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
@BooFricketyHoo: Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.
@MichaelaOkla: I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long