My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
lol
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break