Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.