Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.