Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
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Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!