@JesKeepSwimming: Sorry I can't make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten "people" to ppl in a text this morning and now I'm totally behind schedule.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@StinkyGr33n: What's the past tense of "wake & bake"? "Woke and boke"? "Awake and baked"? "Awakened and baconed"? Whatever it is, I'm that
@Dr_awfulpants: [Doctor office] -How are you feeling? -Not good. -Any side effects from the medication? *cries tears of fire* -Now that you mention it...
@dubstep4dads: Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you. Me: He didn't. But watch this. [I make the doll do a backflip] Judge: Holy shit lol
@dsylixec: If you're trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.