@JesKeepSwimming: Sorry I can't make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten "people" to ppl in a text this morning and now I'm totally behind schedule.
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@tweetsbyrocket: 911: what's your emergency me: someone stole my watch 911: when did this happen me: how am i supposed to know
@SomePieceOfshit: Cashier: Have a great day [goes to cashier's home in the evening} Me: I have bad news
@SCbchbum: me: how old is your baby? her: 46 weeks me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?