@OhNoSheTwitnt: Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with "aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!"
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@thatUPSdude: I love when you're choking someone and they are all "I can't breathe", duh I'm choking you.
@theshamingofjay: Waiter: how do you want your burger? Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare
@doktorj: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo."