Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?