Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
the battle rages on
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager