Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
good let them take over I have had enough
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“You’d better run, egg!”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.