@IamEnidColeslaw: sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
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@abbycohenwl: Guy: If u won lotto, what'd u get? Me: A cat sitter G: To take extra good care of Sox? M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
@Mike_Bianchi: Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
@drhappyknuckles: First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
@MatCro: ME: I'm off to that meeting BOSS: Forget something? M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead] B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you