Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
not seeing the problem
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…