@Donna_McCoy: Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can't have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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@cloudypianos: everything in the world's horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
@TheBoydP: The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake...
@Fred_Delicious: "911? Help, my son has gone missing" [baby lowers hands from eyes] "Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"
@EndhooS: [describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.