Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Happy thanksgiving
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.