Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40