Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
You Might Also Like
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
*Seductively hides in the woods
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.