Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Catering service
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Left at a local drug store…
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?