@iRowlf: Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You've actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood* 5-year-old: Who's there? Me: It's not a knock knock joke. 5: It's not a knock knock joke who?
@LuvPug: Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture. So I guess you could say I'm like a child whisperer.
@AnneeWH: A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
@mynameisntdave: ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*