@iRowlf: Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You've actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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@JGrumbie: Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma'am? Me: No, I'm just dizzy b/c I'm having a heavy flow day. It's really clotty and... Cop: You're free to go.
@alexjmann: I'm going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.