@iRowlf: Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You've actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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@ericsshadow: GUY: my new boss is gay ME: my new bed sheets are warm GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything? ME: exactly
@ieatanddrink: A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
@evildadatron: [first date questions] You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses...and she's gone Whatever she's probably vegan