@iRowlf: Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You've actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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@BreadFoster: Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it's free from the sky.
@MelKassel: *night falls, the full moon rises* ME: go, please! i don't want you to see me...like...this HIM: omg what's happening ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
@jenniferfralic: Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
@Book_Krazy: Interviewer: Any questions? Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?