@CarolineCasey: Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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@thepunningman: Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said "vase" wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
@markhoppus: During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends' step counts.
@KalvinMacleod: How to determine what party to vote for: 1) Calculate income 2) Divide by number of dependents 3) Subtract age 4) Download Game of War