[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
presenting your incognito window wrapped
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.