My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My therapist after every session
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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