Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Breaking news:
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.