@CantWaitToNap: Sorry I hit you with my car over and over... but you kept getting up.
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@thesulk: When I call 911, I'm gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.
@d_duhwit: Wife*comes home*: What's that noise? Me: U said to give Tim an anvil Wife: ADVIL! He should be in bed Me: but..he's almost finished my sword
@FrazzleMyGimp: [shark tank] Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight Mark cuban: no Me: look no further