Try and stop me.
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
yea so i messed up lol
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.