@hashtag_stacks: 'Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate'- my autobiography
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@Slims_Ramblings: "Hey look, there's a deer frolicking in the woods over there!" Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?
@Angibangie: -If I'm wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle. McDonald's worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries...
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?” Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”