@hashtag_stacks: 'Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate'- my autobiography
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@Darlainky: Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.
@laurajennyjo: I'm gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit
@Hellaphantitis: At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
@Scdavis24: Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.