@hashtag_stacks: 'Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate'- my autobiography
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@bananagrvyrd: Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog's bedding and another dog fell out.
@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things? ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
@TheRobCee: Dog The Bounty Hunter's greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
@alli_win: I'm convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.