(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
What number SPF blocks people?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
haha same
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺