me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Death certificates are our last participation award.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.