Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Best spoiler warning ever
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
What
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?