*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Sign of the day..
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.