X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“What?”
– Jude
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu