@Sal0630: Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
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@IGotsSmarts: She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
@lucidchemistry: [in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once her: what? me: what?
@ticknada: Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don't fool me. Oh that's your bf. You still don't fool me.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy?" "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."