Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.