@Manda_like_wine: Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: What are you doing? ME: IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WIFE: You're teaching the dog karate? ME: Then it's exactly what it looks like.
@simoncholland: I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
@ChickenColeman: Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don't believe in it. nigga I don't believe in having a job but I still go to work
@stephenjmolloy: Me: I'm not going to drink in 2017 *in hospital 3 days later* Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot