Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I like long walks away from everyone
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
knights of the ikea table
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.