Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
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I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
cyclists
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER