Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
You Might Also Like
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?