@SabotagedSmoke: Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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@thenatewolf: HER: it's so romantic when the power goes out ME: listen if we don't eat all this ground beef we'll have to throw it out
@Mr_Kapowski: - Are you excited sir? - Yes! I'm gonna feed whales & pet dolphins! - Sir, this flight is going to Finland - That's like Seaworld, right?
@Bownuggets: Hate it when I can't find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
@ilovepie84: When I smell weed coming from my neighbors house I call him pretending I'm the Mexican Cartel, and accuse him of stealing my drugs.