Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here