Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
This kid is going places
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Cheer up.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.