Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs