latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
$3 #books
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.