Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
😂😂
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life